This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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