Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
