Texts From Last Night

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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair

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  (313): I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair http://tfl.nu/9zqr
  Replies (1) Good night (2068) Bad night (1270)
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  (518): View more from New York

  Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.

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  (518): Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird. http://tfl.nu/mxsq
  Replies (8) Good night (694) Bad night (2139)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.

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  (214): My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes. http://tfl.nu/jl4m
  Replies (72) Good night (6631) Bad night (1531)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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  (717): wanna hang out tonight and remember it? http://tfl.nu/5q3c
  Replies (18) Good night (6206) Bad night (1738)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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  (910): Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut. http://tfl.nu/hcrb
  Replies (21) Good night (6532) Bad night (1287)
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

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  (408): if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place http://tfl.nu/15wd
  Replies (33) Good night (6093) Bad night (1456)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.

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  (508): I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos. http://tfl.nu/pe3o
  Replies (9) Good night (3508) Bad night (713)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.

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  (716): Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them. http://tfl.nu/pe21
  Replies (9) Good night (2376) Bad night (1005)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Congratulations on your lack of fetus.

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  (630): Congratulations on your lack of fetus. http://tfl.nu/ujd7
  Replies (4) Good night (1920) Bad night (901)
• Favorite

  (623): View more from Arizona

  It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station

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  (623): It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station http://tfl.nu/4d6r
  Replies (7) Good night (742) Bad night (397)
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.

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  (307): I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink. http://tfl.nu/yj2y
  Replies (0) Good night (629) Bad night (310)
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame

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  (613): The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame http://tfl.nu/x5yp
  Replies (4) Good night (655) Bad night (324)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.

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  (724): I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick. http://tfl.nu/1sdq
  Replies (9) Good night (896) Bad night (298)
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.

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  (843): As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed. http://tfl.nu/2ht0
  Replies (0) Good night (631) Bad night (336)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.

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  (612): You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in. http://tfl.nu/2cq6
  Replies (3) Good night (645) Bad night (158)

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