i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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