His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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