let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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