he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
