and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
