Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office