maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it