God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
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So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
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I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES