The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
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You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
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I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.