either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
