Sponge bath it is.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
