I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
