I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
