The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
