I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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