thus making me awesome and them whores
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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