I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
