The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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