You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
