I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I want her autograph on my taint
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
NoShamevember. You game?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
