so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
