forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
