just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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