He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
