We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
