i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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