I could have mohawked her pubes.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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