You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
