I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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