don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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