So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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