GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
