thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
