Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
