I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
