Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
