I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
the raccoons are back...
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