the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
