There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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