woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
