You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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