i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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