New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
