Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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