I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
