It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
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