I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
