I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
