is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
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Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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