Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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