no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Congratulations! We have a period
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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