You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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