We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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