My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
