Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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