love makes seman taste better
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
