Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
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We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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