The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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