I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
