She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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