wanna go halves on a baby?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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