remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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