Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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