i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
