just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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